Someone posted this query over on the active.com running boards recently, and it got me thinking.
For the first several months, I ran, but would never have called myself a "runner".
Why is that?
I thought that running was just something I was doing, but not part of who I was.
Now I do consider myself a runner.
Why is that?
Back before I realized I am a runner, I was already running up to 10 miles without stopping. I was running over endless WV hills, through sleet, snow, and rain despite discomfort, pain, and fatigue. I was budgeting my time and money to make it happen, no excuses. I was running 4 or more days a week, over 25 miles a week. All that, but I would never, ever have called myself a runner.
Even then, I already loved to talk about running. I was proud of my accomplishments. I blogged many runs on my favorite C25K forums and was surely hidden on the facebook feeds of many facebook friends due to my endless run posts.
"I ran my longest run ever today."
"Today was the most beautiful run yet."
"I love to run."
"I run as often as I can."
"I want to run a half marathon in the spring."
But, oh, never would I have said, "I am a runner."
That would have sounded too officious, too proud, too much like I wanted to be better than someone else, too much like an athlete. I was not like those other people. . . the ones who are fast, the ones who want to be ranked among others, the ones who win races, or at least try to. No, I was not that.
If I say, "I am a runner", isn't that inviting people to compare me to those other runners? The ones whose long distance training pace is my sprint pace? The ones who win races? The ones who I don't even want to be, but definitely don't want to be compared to?
I don't want to be compared to anyone. I just want to be me, running, pushing myself, trying harder than I thought I could, doing more than I thought I could.
The closest I'd ever come to being an athlete was horseback riding in high school. (A season of cross country track when I was 14 really does not count. I was not fast; I didn't stick with it.) I was serious about riding because I just loved horses, but (excuse me, horse folks) it is more of a hobby than a sport.
My motivator was hanging out with my horse -- brushing her, washing her, cleaning her stall, polishing her tack to butter soft leather, shopping for the coziest blanket. I loved it all. Yes, I won a few ribbons in eventing and dressage, and I enjoyed many hours riding, but my biggest 'wins' were winning awards for having the best 'horsemanship' (clean horse, nicely organized gear, etc), and I even led a team to a 2nd place ribbon at the national 'knowdown' (essentially a book knowledge test of knowledge of horse care, training, conformation, etc). I really just loved my oversized pet, not the sport of riding. I might have considered my horse an athlete, but not me.
Maybe part of it is that I was just not very competitive in that way. I didn't thrill to the competition. I always preferred a long trail ride or a hot afternoon with the hose & horse shampoo to a show. I just wanted to be, not to compete. Growing up with an older brother who would always be bigger, smarter, stronger, and faster, I learned early that the safest route in any physical competition was conceding early, or, better yet, not starting.
So, forget the horse, back to the running. Here I was more than 20 years later, running.
I didn't realize it at the time, but in retrospect, I have figured out the transition point from running to being a runner. It was when I got hurt and could not run.
When faced with losing it, I learned just how much running had gotten into my soul. Who knew that my relationship with running could be so similar to a relationship with a beloved human being. I would never have imagined.
For a couple weeks at the holidays, and then again a couple months ago, I was unable to run at all due to running related injury. It was a dark place (sad, lonely, angry, sleepless, scared) that I don't want to revisit in detail, but suffice it to say that I discovered, much to my surprise, that this random habit of running that I had begun in order to get fitter and thinner had become something more. Much more.
I am still at the beginning of the adventure, but I am pretty sure that running has a lot more to teach me. I may never break a 7 minute mile (although I am pretty sure I'll break an 8 minute mile sometime soon). I will likely never win a race (unless it is a very small race). I might not make my 2011 marathon goal. (It might be 2012.)
But, I am pretty sure that I am going to be running, and I am going to be a runner, for a very long time.
Hi, my name is Stephanie. I am a runner.
